Friday, 19 January 2018


Ooh boy.

Do I feel like a right idiot.

I have been discovering that I got played just prior to making a very big move where I exchanged one living hell for another.

The difference is that one hell was kind of brought about because of my memory problems and not used to being around children at all. Especially very active children. Plus autistic ones, only having a friend with an autistic son and I really did not see him that much.

I was lied to.

I should have known better.

But in running like I did, which I kind of had to do anyway, I ran way from .. possibilities. Good possibilities.

What I have now is not a situation, OK well I kinda do to an extent, but .. someone who could drive me over the edge. In fact I had to warn them about this and they said “well your just going to have to learn to deal with it” which means in a round about way I will have to .. let them go on about things that mean nothing.

What happens is they do not like hearing anything new .. but instead when you try to talk about anything new use it as an excuse to interrupt to talk about themselves, something from many years ago that you have heard fifty to a hundred times and no exaggeration and .. not even remotely related to the story you was telling which is new and unheard. When you point this out they insist that it is and to allow them the chance to complain about themselves for the next hour or two they then try to say that you wont know until they have finished. There have been countless times where I have waited for an hour or two and I have then said “well you have finished and it is still not related!” Bearing in mind it is always something you have heard so many times before you could recite it backwards while blindfolded.

Absolutely everyone knows that they do it and no one knows why they do because no one knows anyone else nor have ever met anyone else that does this.

Oh and you can be interrupted several times, it is never as few as just once.

Now when your simply trying to tell them something new and had a bloody crap memory and know you will forget what you said .. it is even more frustrating.

The fact that they know this and still do it anyway .. makes it even more frustrating.

When your life is up in the air .. been stuck 250 miles away from home and the woman in the local shop ignores you when you say hello .. and only get a response when you giver her a direct question .. like “Did you give me that £10 mobile phone credit when I was in here yesterday?” did you get a response. Well if you were from out of town that is and it was obvious.

Oddly they all watch Eastenders up there so you would think the responses would be positive 100% of the time? Some are good .. most are average .. some are not so good. But that really did not bother me that much. Until my anxiety was off about other things and then everything bothers you.

But this was ratcheted up quite deliberately and the fact that the reason I was there already ended up in the Liverpool Echo did not seem to deter her. The fact that situation was that bad that it was front page .. I think it was, and that I was helping the people that were involved in the story and that this liar was related to them, yeah that did not deter her either.

But let us say the following ..

I had a coat here. It was a North Face coat and I thought it was mine. Except a few days ago when I put it on .. it rode up my arms and I thought “What? What is wrong with this coat .. oh!”.

It belonged to a ten year old boy. He was upset about losing it and I had been to a property just prior to coming back because it was missing and they thought it had been left in the old property. It had not and that was the day I was played like a bitch.

So it had been thought lost for several days when I received a text asking if I had bought it back to London by mistake. I said that it had and that I would post it that day.

Well .. it was posted guaranteed delivery and it arrived today only .. when the boy saw it he was a bit confused .. “But Nan said you sold it for ciggies?!”

Yeah .. I got played like a bitch .. but I told the whole story .. a story I held back with because someone was so low that I did not want to make things any worse by explaining it all. Even when I was accused of being the worst person in the world. The worst parent in the world. I played the villain because that was who I needed to be at the time to not make anyone feel any lower than they did.

I do not know how the whole story was taken .. I might not have been believed, whatever their reaction was.

But then she went and told her own grandson that his another sold his North Face coat for ciggies and when I get the text earlier today .. I was first shocked that she would tell her own grandson this and then .. I laughed.

In one fell swoop just as she thought she could cause more mayhem between those I left behind .. she dropped herself right in it and it was the best £11 I ever spent!

“Well I learnt my lesson .. I thought she had changed?!” and I said “Oh don't. When she bought me that North Face coat I actually started to think that she had changed and the lies and manipulation had stopped!”

The North Face coats were identical that is how the confusion came about .. she .. caused it! Lol.

I know why she did the lying. It should have been obvious and it was something I thought could occur if something was ever realised. Upon hearing the anger over what was said to me I then simply asked one question. If the answer was 'yes' I would immediately know why she did it. The answer was 'yes'.

I KNOW why she did it.

That is all I will say on here because I know the eyes that pry.

What she does not know is that there are other eyes that pry. I have known this form day one and I would not like to be in her shoes over the next couple of months!

There are a few ears too that are not going to be impressed either!

Oh dear, oh dear! Lol.

I should have picked up myself on a couple of things too, again my memory and the anxiety I was already experiencing failed me. Some people were disappointed in me and I do not blame them, but I had many reasons and the lies told to me were the main ones.

The anxiety came about because the money was getting low for me and then I was panicking about the car .. which was all arranged but then I had left the logbook in London. If it was not for the logbook and the lies I would still be there now. I had spent weeks fighting off the feelings of anxiety to stay there as long as I could and try to correct my mistakes. Except bizarrely it was only after I got back that I realised that correcting them up there might have been impossible?

Fortunately I have found my logbook after returning and the car is being taken care of. Hopefully which reminds me I must send a text about that.

I have to do two other things .. well four to be honest ..

  • See solicitor, drop off package and sign release forms for medical records
    • Told her about other things that she may or may not help with
      • Google Adsense Ads
      • Universal Credit
      • Somewhere to live
      • No deposit back or references from house I lived in ten years
  • Sell that damn car
  • Get a up to date passport (Identification Issue)
  • Get an up to date Drivers Licence (Identification and Driving Issue if I ever drive again)

The only thing is the Drivers Licence might be a waste of time .. because I might not be allowed to drive or now I have found out there are certain types of driver's licences called .. medical .. wait a minute?

Yes, there you go. If you have a medical condition it may turn out that you cannot drive at all or you have to have a Medical Driver's Licence, which I had never heard of before until I was looking up about whether I would have mine taken away.

I mean I was OK driving back but with a chaperone and .. well then there is the memory problems and I did end up in Nottingham when I first went up to Birkenhead and in all the years I have driven I have never done that before!

I just could not get used to my way around and it was taking longer than usual and if I was with someone else it was fine as they showed me where to go. But alone I needed the GPS system, which was old in all honesty and took me the wrong way a lot as well as the long way a lot.

As for me .. there is that .. nagging thing I cannot stop thinking about. Well there are a lot of things but there is one that is boring into my brain in a way that I did not expect. Ah .. I just put my head in my hands as I thought about and typed it!

Jesus Christ what is wrong with me?! I really am not used to feeling like this. It has been so very, very long. I know what I think it is .. well I am sure of what it is but .. this is me here?! This does not and has not happened in a long, long time.

That is why it has bothered me so .. how can this be happening? It makes no sense at all .. and that kind of makes me curious. That has me asking myself, why?

That white woolly hat!


Yeah well it's the government really isn't it.

There is being Conservative and then there is being evil, lacking any compassion whatsoever and beyond cruel.

So it meant a great deal to me to read that someone that had been sanctioned for a whole year had won a case against the DWP.

However .. I'm more shocked that the DWP actually carried out this particular threat.

I only found out about this rule after I had arrived in Birkenhead and only when I'd worked out I had to claim Universal Credit and got to the Job Centre for my initial visit. I had already lost several weeks money by then and then told I lose another week, as all new claimants do.

That's doesn't include the NEA and Working Tax Credit payments along with Carers money I was supposed to receive but never got a cent of.

Instead I lost around £6,000 that the DWP and Wirral Council contributed to. Good God, I hate that council with a passion! Have done for 25 years roughly and partly responsible for my bloody life. Well, along with the NHS and DWP.

Oh look? I end up mentioning the 'evil trinity' once again.

Despite the number of areas and councils in the UK you can usually find the evil trinity in operation somewhere.

The one thing you cannot escape from is all of them as the DWP operate everywhere .. unfortunately.

The council's and NHS are broken down into areas and trusts respectively. I can't imagine you can escape the lies and refusals of the NHS, mind you. Maybe in rare cases?

I'm also shocked that the report states that the housing benefit was stopped as I was told by the Job Centre in Price Street, Birkenhead that they cannot touch your rent payments. Nice .. so you have a roof over your head while you either starve to death or freeze to death. See? The Tories do have compassion!

I am sort of facing a similar problem .. though I am lucky enough to have a solicitor .. who I hope can help with my situation?

I'm undecided presently about so many things and that includes where I am going to live off I ever get into a position to be able to choose somewhere to live.

I've also been out with my camera ..

Though if I'm honest and as much as this was great and a relief to do .. it was cold the first time .. and tiring .. then what started out as sunny and feeling mild turned cold and rained!

Videos very slowly uploading .. unable to process photographs, as I knew it would be.

Someone tried to talk to me about 7 or 8pm last night .. I mumbled a response.

I was dead .. I had overdone it and the lack of car while trying to do a couple of visits to areas with wildlife caught up with me.

I awoke at 3am, that was the very next thing I was aware of.

I withdraw have typed this out then but the battery on my phone was out.

I'd have used the laptop but if I move it to my position the WiFi signal sometimes cuts completely. It's uploading a few videos of Teal and Gadwall Ducks along with a Grebe and if it cuts the YouTube upload will freeze and refuse to restart.

I can't post this until I've corrected the formatting on my laptop .. which I can't do until the uploads have completed.

Oh and I didn't get photos or videos of the damn Firecrests I'm told are there. Got a glimpse of one though.

Good God I was buggered last night!

Wednesday, 17 January 2018


Now let us see here .. anyone know what the title means?

If you do .. I ended up there today and I was not expecting to. You would think as a Londoner I might have visited these places before. I have not though I know the general area and I knew another place with another name. In Mile End Road. Or so I used to believe.

If you are not familiar with the name of the title .. it is a pub in Commercial Street where two of Jack the Ripper's victims used to hang out.

I was in Whitechapel and Shoreditch .. basically where a section of my family came from in the East London area and not far from Brick Lane either.

These days I think I think the pub in Mile End Road was just a pub that was not far away from the area Jack the Ripper frequented and tried to cash in on this .. infamy.

From there I ended up in Brick Lane and even in a shop I had not been in for twenty years and I purchased a salt beef bagel with mustard and gherkins. Not as good a they used to be and far, far more expensive.

I was in the area with someone else and had gone several miles further then he said we was going .. ooh boy did that hurt. Like hell. My chest was aching and I had to pause several times on the return journey.

The pain helped .. despite it causing me to pause every now and then.

I have had trouble .. for getting something. Or more accurately .. forgetting someone. I have had this aching .. in an area I did not expect and it has become .. an issue for me. Something I did not expected now mixed up with all the other .. things. It is not a good combination.

Still I acquired a couple of thing that I needed .. that was why I went out. I invited someone else to come along for the walk but .. he wanted to go somewhere after I got what I needed. Only that area he stated I got mixed up with somewhere else and it was further than I thought it was.

Then it turned out that the further location I had gotten mixed up with was not the location I was told anyway and this third location was further still.

These things happen.

But I have been in a mood for .. self punishment. Of late.

However it seems this self-punishment is now for a similar thing in one case, bought about by someone else. In another it is .. umm how can I say .. someone I cannot get out of my head.

Though .. I wonder if this .. dogged stubbornness of my mind is actually helping with another .. pain in my arse?! Lol.

Ooh boy .. how did I end up in this mess?

Because I am an idiot and become more of an idiot when I have too much going on around me which just seems to cause lapses. Memory lapses.

Rushing and too many things at once causes me .. issues with my memory and getting important things done.

To give you an idea despite the freezing weather I actually got out with my camera yesterday to a place that surprised me as there is a small nature reserve near here. Actually spotted Reed Buntings there .. did not get any shots .. a wind started picking up and our hands started to become numb.

Thinking of using buses around the city with the body and some smaller lenses to get some architectural and artistic, or bokeh, type shots. Just get a load of shots of every interesting thing I can come across.

It would be a start.

Though really I need to do this on a Sunday .. when it will be real quiet and the city way less busy.

Annoyingly I do also need to go to a part where my solicitor is located .. but that has to be a weekday and .. well .. I cannot do rush hours and in London a rush hour is now wrongly names because it is way, way longer then an hour. It is way, way longer then two hours.

In fact in the afternoons you can expect it to be busy from anywhere around 3pm and if your unlucky up to 8pm, 9pm or even 10pm if there are any issues with trains or strikes on buses.

So the car in process of being sold .. form for application of new passport to stop the damn ID problem that has dogged me. An application for a new driver's licence and .. a package to get to to the solicitor's practice.

I am hoping that the solicitor can help with three other issues. One is my reference and previous deposit on a home of ten years problem. One is my current status and housing problem and lastly is the disability problem.

This then leaves one single solitary thing to sort out. My storage problem eating away at my cash-flow. I need to acquire a van and/or driver. Then go to my storage facility and start to throw things away .. to the local dump. Oh crap .. it will be a van so I might need a permit .. I forgot about that one!

Still I think I might get one or two things done this week and then one or two others done next week if I can focus and not kill myself in the meantime doing too much. By which I mean not aggravating the Fibromyalgia thing and causing too many flare ups?

After everything is done I should then .. be a couple of weeks down the road to selling the car and the courts viewing my medical records.

Once the car is sold, I am hoping that this would be in a couple of weeks, despite other plans being put into place .. I should be free to .. travel around to places much further afield.

Maybe revisiting recent places .. very recent places?

Sheesh! There will be a proximity problem. Well not so much of a problem .. well .. it is a problem .. sort of. Well it was more of an aching and .. it has been the same for weeks so I am kind of used to it. No I am lying I bloody hate it. Lol.

But then maybe I wont go and .. just do the things I need to from a distance?

A heart ache is still a heart ache .. a little concerned that the heart ache might
become stronger if back there with no anxiety?

I am fairly certain it will.

But then maybe by that time I might have figured out that I had been led up a garden path while up there and there is no point.

But I have been led to believe otherwise and as such .. I ache right down to the deepest fibres of my very being and .. long for something.

The trouble is this deep down longing has awoken when I thought it was also dead and gone and am certain that it will never occur in my current area because it did not for so long, so very, very long.

I do not think I can find someone to awaken those feelings the way that this person managed to achieve. But just being .. themselves. Just the mere sight of her or hearing her voice was enough to stir things deep within my soul.

The one night I was in close proximity I had been sent off to do a job for someone that was very obviously impossible. We had tried and tried but could not get this couch up a flight of stairs.

I had become dizzy and almost blacked out several times. Upon my return someone was inside the house and I just wanted to collapse onto the carpet and .. die .. or sleep for a very long time and was fighting to stay awake. To catch glimpses of someone and I caught the glimpse of a beautiful smile and a look I had not received for a very, very long time.

I cannot think of a better definition or more accurately an anecdote to describe being unlucky.

Only in this case I have been unlucky in a number of ways that are the worst possible and all at once too.

Hmm maybe being in the vicinity of Jack the Rippers hang outs was apt in my case? Well after all he did have this habit of ripping out organs.

I recently had my heart ripped out!

As for The Ten Bells? Yeah well I felt I had ten bells kicked out of me while having my heart ripped from my chest.

What a crock!

Tuesday, 16 January 2018


As was evident in posts of the last week or so .. I kind of ran .. or more accurately limped away from a situation.

I know it seems like I tell all on here. I deliberately give this impression. It makes it easier to post things and not tell all on here.

I have not told all on here.

If I had told all on here .. any reader would get more than a bit of a shock.

I also did not tell all to .. someone else. That person also could not find out about these little .. details on here either.

Tonight I told them one of the things. I think I slipped up and they picked up that there was more to tell and pushed me. They said I had started up their anxiety.

I had to make them make a promise.

I told almost all of it.

As it turns out .. I was driven away by someone who claimed to be helping me and telling me things about stuff that went on. Now I knew this person was a liar. But some things they said were true and others rang true.

There were other things forcing me to move .. some stupid errors I made .. no, a lot of errors I made and my financial situation, partially or mostly caused by a public service. My plan was to return for a short period. That was the plan.

Instead I ran .. with some help and .. I ran with almost everything.

It now turns out that this whole thing was engineered .. there are a number of reasons involved but there was a main one. Because they were told, rather naively, that there was someone .. interested in me and to be honest .. I was interested in them. I was interested in them in a big way and long before I was told and got over the sheer shock that they was interested in me.

As I posted about .. I spent three or four days in a flat that felt like a prison. The only person I did know and was there for in the first place .. had gotten angry with me. In their upset and confused state they hurled insults at me. They made some accusations about me. They threatened me.

It now looks like that was engineered too.

We chatted about it and I told them everything and then I asked one important question .. “Was [person B] told that [person A] was interested in me?” The answer was, yes.

I asked this because I suspected it might have all been a ploy and I tried to find the reason .. because [Person B] was also interested in me. Sorry if your reading this but it was known and talked about for a long time, dumb-arse!

Their difficulty now is they cannot come up with a reason for my fleeing .. when I had plenty of reasons for staying.

So their I was in my extremely cold prison of a flat that you just could not get warm for love nor money. Well you could .. for a lot of money with the triple bar fire in the living room.

I sat their in the flat and when I was not feeling guilty .. for my plans to leave .. the other half of the time all I could think about was [Person A]! I longed for my buzzer to go and it would be her. Oh how I pined for that buzzer to go. Minute after minute and hour after hour I longed for that buzzer to sound. It never did.

To a surprised and relieved recipient I admitted to all that too.

I revealed that my heart was touched in a way that I had long since thought had died. That I longed so much and that each time I saw her my heart would melt just a little.

I explained that I had hid this fact .. for many weeks.

I told about the long loneliness I had experienced and that for the briefest if glimpses I had thought that might change. That my life would come to mean something once again. That I might actually find happiness.

I admitted that when I left .. I died a little.

That other than the guilt I felt for leaving .. I could only thing of one person's name and their face and how I would miss it so.

I told how I was now annoyed that I had .. fallen for this trap. How I had been robbed by the person that had robbed me of so many years of my life before this. That once again when I felt the knife sin into my heart that it would be she that does it.

As I said .. the whole place is a nightmare for me.

I then pointed out that she should realise now why I begged for her not to be around .. that I would cringe when they wanted a photo of the two of us standing side by side and do the same when her friends joked about a reconciliation.

That she killed my heart just as it had come to life once more. Killed it dead in the water.

That I now sit here .. confused .. angry .. with myself for falling victim once again and for the .. loss of love and the pining.

Am I not the unluckiest man alive?

Am I not the very definition of the term 'loser'?

Right now it would certainly seem so.

My hair is vastly overgrown and my stubble has become a scraggy beard and I have lost two stone in weight. Those that know me to be smarter, a friend's girlfriend, said “Martin, clean yourself up and sort out your hair and beard!”

My hair and my beard? My God .. a lot more than that needs to be sorted out. I first need to find my lost soul! Scared off into the dark misty corners of a padded room.

I only needed one of many plans to play out as intended. None did.

The Patreon account, the advertising revenue, the return or my disability money or PIP, one of the two crowd funding accounts I have now long since closed down by request from the angry recipient.

He one thing that is different other then the name, face and the deep seated longing that eats away at the remainder of my lost soul? Well ..

I no longer listen out for the buzzer that is now an ocean away from the one I think about half my time.

I wonder how long it will be before I ever truly get over this?

A long, long time is the likeliest of answers.

Boy .. these could be a tough few years ahead and I fear for the .. future.

But I wonder often if out there in the dark at some far away distance their exists a second broken heart beating and longing itself away in the darkness?

Monday, 15 January 2018


I have been having a terrible morning .. again.

This is by far the worst I've had since I returned to London.

This time it wasn't a situation .. now was it financial, though that obviously is a contributing factor, it was a person. A version individual that scared the crap out of me before I returned.

I was here once before a long time ago and I became .. incapable due to anxiety then. Only I didn't know what was up with me.

In fact I have no idea how I ended up here last time. It wasn't good .. I barely left the room next to this one for well over a year, maybe two?

It was the same back then as it is now ..

Someone wants to spend the vast majority of the day complaining about their life and how no one cares.

They are a self fulfilling prophecy.

Text messages on WhatsApp will literally go on like you wouldn't believe .. people that know me that have seen them are stunned by them.

I need to sort out a series of things .. important and serious things.

I've also been in a whole series of dark places I'm trying to get myself out of and stay out of .. but they have not expressed sympathy over this.

In fact when it comes to doing jobs while here it's always stupid meaningless unimportant jobs .. like sorting out this room when I'm only supposed to be here a month.

Oh and they have a thing about a car park they don't own and my car was here for two days .. I didn't hear the end of that one until the car was moved.

No encouragement about sorting out documents now the car is someone else's problem though.

No .. yesterday evening it was about some inheritance yet again she keeps telling everyone she's not interested in. One recipient has already said "If your not interested why do you keep bringing it up?!"
She expected a load of people to hand over money to another relative, he didn't though and wasn't bothered about it and still isn't.

He also has a girlfriend who would get it all anyway and we all know that.

I should have asked her what it was he needed so bad that he needed this money.

Absolutely no one agrees with her.

One recipient of the inheritance is not blood related .. it's complicated but my Uncle was on his birth certificate from .. the beginning. So by law he was legally entitled the money. Absolutely no one ever mentioned this and he was a grandchild and legally so at the end of the day.

I couldn't believe it when they used this to complain about no one handing over any money.

I also didn't know that she had quite acrimoniously fallen out with two siblings over this a year ago.

I had fallen out with them and .. well I was off using the money I had left to help other members of the family. Though believe it or not I got moaned at by the exact same person for doing that!

I awoke with that horrible feeling in my chest .. those deep cutting pangs of anxiety. Those that leave you wanting to die right then and there.

Those that had me trying to think where my knife was!

I'm still feeling it now and though it had dissipated a little it's still enough to be bothersome.

There also seems to be some hellish weather outside and heavy rain and wind with a boom from a strong gust every now and then. It makes the anxiety .. leap a little.

Oddly I had contacted people prior to coming down here in the event that something might go wrong that is going wrong. I've also been contacting people since I've been back.

I guarantee that if I plead with this person and state that they are doing me harm they will immediately turn it around and state that just like always I don't care .. and that we don't care.

Because she doesn't see it as a serious thing and instead something that you can just switch on and off. I bloody wish it were that easy!

Why do people do that? And why is it that the one person who is supposed to be understanding and more so than everyone else is the least understanding?

In fact people haven't told her things for years and they even complained about no one telling them anything anymore ..

And I so wanted to point out that they then use it to freak out everyone else by going on about how it is affecting them. The person directly affected won't get a mention or maybe just a brief one explaining what it is that is stressing them out.

Worst still is how she tells this to her Doctor and other medical people.

They will state that their health conditions, if there are any, are the worst in the world and that they can die. Yeah .. tell that to someone that's actually wanted to die countless times.

I explained about my condition of Fibromyalgia and it being on the McGill, I think it's called, Pain Index and hire Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome is at the top of the pain scale.

Oddly they weren't interested in looking it up and because it doesn't mention theirs. So the scale is ignored .. so it doesn't exist.

They also have a bad memory because those that fall out with her don't because of the reasons she thinks they do. Going on about herself .. it's because .. she doesn't ask about others.

She will be on the phone for an hour to three and doesn't ask how others in the family are.
This is more noticeable when these people are both young and ill!

Their favourite line is no one listens .. which is not strictly true when what they actually mean is no one will do what they tell them to.

One of two things occurs .. when no one listens ..

  • We immediately know their suggestion is wrong or ..
  • We have heard it for the hundredth time and that on many occasions is an massive understatement .. which is when we actually do not listen
For instance she told me one thing the day before yesterday she had told me many times before .. and then twice more yesterday.

When she pointed out about one of my cousins not being blood related but receiving money she said .. "You do know about *****, don't you?" and I just looked at her in amazement. This is someone she had not seen since a child and I was told about when I was 15 years old. I am .. almost 49 years old for Christ's sake! I actually asked her if she was actually going to tell me what I think she was and looked at her in amazement and I still did not know where she was going with this.

When I pointed out that it was the law .. she said "I don't care about the law and you don't take no notice if it either!"

That simply is not true. I complain mostly that you cannot enforce the law .. therefore have no legal rights. I might complain about the odd stupid law .. or a law introduced just to keep people happy that most wont be able to enforce anyway.

No she does not agree with it, without a counter argument for it or a sensible one, and we are just supposed to do what she says or expects us to do.

Everyone is also expected to just walk away from their jobs too. With no social housing and caps on housing benefits with rents rising .. I do not know how she then expects everyone to keep their homes when they then ignore their jobs and responsibilities for her?

I was in the worst place imaginable and I neither expected nor would I dare ask anyone to drop everything to help me .. 

I would rather cut my wrists!

I need to stay .. functional! This morning I felt like I did when I hid away in a room for months and months and I simply cannot do this as it will cost me far more than it has already.

I need to get two forms and fill them in .. then take them down and send them off .. with some photos of myself .. recorded delivery or whatever they call it now.

I then need to get to a solicitors in Camden with a package .. things I was hoping to do last week but did not through lack of help I thought I would get and .. someone wanting to complain all day when I needed to .. get myself together. I still haven't got myself together completely and now I feel like I am being .. set back several steps.

What are you supposed to do?

It is why I have previously felt I needed a chaperone ..

.. now I feel like I need protection! Or ear plugs.

Sunday, 14 January 2018


Well it has not even been a week yet and it has happened.

I have had my anxiety raised by someone that is supposed to help. Oddly they have complained that they are the only one that have helped .. despite the fact that this help is a fucking tiny room they do not need. They do not own the house either but you would think they were giving a pint of blood the way that they go on.

What is the issue?

That four of us did not give up thousands of pounds to another member of the family because they deserved money.

I have told them that by law they are not and that this person is not bothered by it and that in fact they are the only one bothered by it but .. it makes no difference.

Bearing in mind what I have just been through .. what I have got to do now that I am back and that much of my money went towards helping others .. the rest tied up in things I should not have bought and one I am selling. So they cannot claim that I am selfish .. but it is being hinted at and they would dearly like to say this .. but they cannot.

Most of the ire is about others ..

Except as I said the recipient they are on about does not care about it and has said to others that it was not his money and not his grandfather.

Nope .. that does not matter.

Nope .. nor does it matter that I went through hell and cut my wrists I was in that much agony .. not not a mention about that. Just that things did not go how they wanted them too and we re all bastards.

I have already had a reply to a text I sent explaining what was just said and the reply simply stated “You got to get out of there as fast as you can!”

Yeah .. I cannot. I have somewhere I can go if things get bad but that will only be for three or four days at most. As I told my brother .. it is called the Maytree Centre and I nearly ended up there a couple years back.

This person simply fails to see that the only feelings that are harping on about is their own. And that this is all about others doing what they expect them to.

I also guarantee that they are annoyed that I have gone off into a room to stop hearing it and I would not be surprised if I was told I had to leave purely because I wont sit there and listen to their complaining about things that is bothering no one else.

They have been told for years and fucking years that it is extremely stressful and that no one else falls out and has issues except them. Every single member of their family they have fallen out with but it is everyone else that is wrong.

I find it hilarious that there argument is that no one 'gives a shit' and yet that is exactly whow they come across .. unless it is there feelings, they have never self harmed by the way but their suffereing is worse than everyone else's, then they do not ask, they do not console, they do not say they are sorry for what you have been through. Best of all they do not ask when they are on the phone how the children are, by some accounts. They are so busy and so focused upon their own feelings and you get statements like they want to die.

Oddly they blame another relative of being melodramatic when it comes to these things .. deliberately leaving pills all over the floor for sympathy.

No self harming as far as I know and they certainly was not alone when they did it .. so yeah .. ou could say that it was for sympathy. Could.

I was trapped in a flat that felt like a prison for four days and there was no one else there but me .. alone .. hoping that this damned Aussie flu would kill me in the night, often felt like it was. Then having anxiety in the mornings sometimes so bad that harming was the only thing that would release the extreme feelings of anxiety.

I cannot stress how bad this can be even at the best of times but stuck somewhere you do not know with short term memory problems after being called names, then threatened and then warned .. yeah .. you cannot really describe that.

I want to die because no one gives a shit and because currently I have nowhere to live .. not whinge and whine that no one gives a shit and that no one listens.

Yeah they do not have the greatest advice and yet they go fucking mental because no one takes their advice but .. no one ever takes advice.

But no .. this is specific traits of my family and makes her life a misery.

No drug dealers. No bank robbers. No domestic abusers and all this has been pointed out to her by her own cousin and .. nope .. does not want to listen. Because they want to complain except ..

There is no end goal to complaining .. there is absolutely no benefit to complaining .. she gets nothing out of it .. no one she complains about is ever going to change .. all she does is hurt people, stress them out and make them not want to come here.

I was on the phone to them two days before I came down and she scared the living shit out of me .. cranky and angry and of course it was about giving this money over to someone that not only does not care about it themselves but will end up in the pockets of his greedy and manipulative African girlfriend and her family as they have already had thousands anyway.

These people were here illegally anyway, despite both being handed houses then it is strictly illegal to do so .. unless your a public service then you can make the rules up as you go along while private landlords get fined for doing the exact same thing.

Now I am scared of them going past the door .. and scared of going downstairs in the morning!

Luckily I have tried to prepare as I have not only contacted my solicitor but also an organisation that may be able to help in my current situation. They didn't years ago when I went to them for help but today it is different .. I now only know what is wrong with me today, thanks for nothing NHS, but a lot more is wrong with me today.

I, or we, really ended up with the rough end of the stick when it comes to life and to think I may have been subjected to some kid of payback for someone else's tempestuous life? I am now being punished for two other people's lives that are and were not my responsibility.

It would seem everyone wants me to either suffer or perform magic tricks.


There is something I never really talked about much.

While I was away I had the briefest of glimpses of something I've not experienced in a long, long time.

Perhaps it's because it's been a long, long time I was both surprised and .. it kind of hurts.
But then maybe it's kind of what I deserve?

There was someone .. someone I very much like from the moment I set eyes on them and that had not happened in a long, long time.

I was there for other things .. or rather I had other responsibilities and I didn't act on it.

Also .. after awhile I had assumed that this neighbour had a partner.

One night I was told that she, in fact, did not and that she had asked about me. I was .. dumbfounded .. shocked .. amazed. I didn't really say much about it. I wanted to but I didn't.

When I came away I did so knowing that I had felt things I had long thought dead. I have even written on here in the past that I didn't think it was possible for me to feel certain things any longer.

As well as letting people down .. I also .. am .. a little .. heartbroken. It feels as though life has been cruel to me .. in the worst way.

So along with the guilt .. there is that briefest of glimpses.

I had thought about hanging on our even returning but .. there were things I couldn't talk about. 

Things were a mess as they was .. I couldn't make it any more complicated than it was.

I suppose I was .. tipped over the edge, you might say. I may have been the victim of some sick game by someone or it was some sort of revenge?

I was kind of accused of being behind something that happened a long time ago. Yeah I was present when this thing occurred but it wasn't me. Though this other person thought it was from what they said.

I wondered hard if this is why some things we said to me?

It matters not now .. if it was some ploy it had its effect.

There was also the .. danger of a follow up .. a promise of you prefer .. but that never came. I didn't want it to but it never came all the same and this has made it look .. suspicious.

I suppose when I went to there I knew that there was this possibility. I even expected it at some point. But when it occurred, it occurred at the worst possible time.

Maybe they knew? About this other .. person? I have asked myself if they then decided to totally screw things up?

Since being back here people I know who are famous for having little sympathy have expressed how sorry they are. This was last night as I'm beavering around trying to repair the damage I've done to my own life.

I'm getting it done .. little by little and I figure out will take a month to dig my way out of this mess .. maybe a little longer?

At the exact same time I hope that things go well elsewhere! That element that has me getting guilty.
Though I'm not sad about being away from the meddling element .. that could have got me with some revenge .. plot.

Yeah well if they did .. they did it extremely well, let me tell you.

At least I don't have to look at any more open mouthed faces down here.

I've had the offers of possibilities of living in Braintree and Gravesend, Essex and Kent respectively.

Yeah .. I might hold on to see what else transpires.

My time in the North actually hurt in more ways than one.

Maybe one day I might feel glad that I was reminded of feelings I long thought lost?

Or maybe I will just spend years hurting over it?

Ooh boy .. what a right royal mess I managed to get myself into.

Meanwhile being back is weird .. too busy! But then where I am is pretty central and temporary.

Maybe my disability solicitor will have some ideas when I hear from her?

I am currently council-less you might say? Well .. sort of. Or probably will be .. once I've ultimately decided .. which will happen when I've done the things I've needed to do ..

Two of which get done .. tomorrow which then involves a .. wait. And then a sale ..

Though a friend is interested in buying my car .. I'm not expecting him to take the plunge.

At least now it won't get scratched, trashed, have the tyres let down or sabotaged and I can get something far less .. conspicuous.

The words 'mitigating' and 'extenuating' spring to mind throughout this whole damn thing.
As we stated to me just last night 'It's a real shame and I'm so sorry'.

Many never thought I'd stay there long, morons, but we're not surprised at all at the reasons I returned when I did ..

"Christ .. how the hell do you decide what to believe in all that?!"

Some reminders from people that were around twenty years ago saying be careful about who you listen to.

I could exact my revenge by revealing it all but ..

A moot point now, is it not?

Explaining that you were .. 'helped' away by someone would not change a damn thing and I certainly did not want to make the situation any worse than I had left it.

It is funny as I was accused at one point of seeing attention .. I got accused of a lot of things. I simply did not answer .. did not even point out that I get zero attention and never have had any attention. I mean to say outside of a page of numbers showing me how many people have read what posts and I very rarely scroll down to older posts .. not much more than a week or two when I do .. if that?

I did have attention .. or thought or was told I was getting attention and I ran away from it.